Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.