i- i did not expect this
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me