Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like