Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
You Might Also Like
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.