Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.