Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple