We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[shakes fist at other fist]
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf