Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
#Caturday
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor