My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.