[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.