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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Did my cat write this
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”