A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”