Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge