Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time