*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.