Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Jesus Christ lmao
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
…żyje?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.