*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I bet
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”