ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
my retirement plan is braless
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Lube but for my dry humor.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems