I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?