I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”