I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.