Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!