I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!