[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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File under excellent bookstore names.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!