Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
BETRAYAL
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach