The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
You Might Also Like
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
haha same
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Day 2 of my diet
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls