THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When you’ve simply given up.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?