For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
This is a sub tweet
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying