If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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Do not levitate over flowers
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’