It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
those birds must be on payroll
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun