I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
When I said I liked it rough.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it