The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
the answer was staring at me all along
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
🤣
can’t wait til they legalize outside
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Selfie
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.