me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
translated into Canadian
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Catercrombie & Fish
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.