John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Happy Caturday!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
OH. COME. ON.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.