Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.