My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White