Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
sigh
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Said the murderer.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.