imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
You Might Also Like
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
So, can we agree on 4 or
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.