My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.