I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Breaking news:
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it