Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Dead sexy!!