Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
umm…
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.