Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.