[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?