“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
what
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.