Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”