The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Shower sex be like:
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that