my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.