Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.