COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside